The One that got Away~Victory Ride~ part 17

Four weeks had passed since the second series of injections and no pain. Each morning I crawled out of bed, only to give thanks. Maybe, just maybe.......

Strict orders were given by Doc to do nothing for 6 weeks. Back to no laundry, lifting, sweeping, vacuuming, ect. I complied to the letter this time.

My feet stuck to the kitchen floor( can't believe I am admitting this) sometimes the bathrooms looked more like public restrooms, but I learned not to care. All of my friends worked, and could barely stay on top of their own homes. My daughter at this time was working two jobs. Didn't want to ask her. Checked into cleaning services. They were asking $75 to cross the threshold of my home; from there the prices climbed. So we lived in filth. Sometimes it would get bad enough for Luke to break down and clean, not often, but sometimes.

I had promised myself no matter what, I was going to get better. If I had to live in filth to do so, so be it.

The sixth week came, still no pain. I had an appointment with Doc B in a few days. I felt good about this upcoming appointment. I had latched on to hope like a drowning soul would cling to a life preserver. I had visited that dark, hopeless place and never wanted to go back.

The drugs had long left my system and all visions of men, snakes and alligators had evaporated.

My thinking had become clearer and more rational. The only med I was on now was a muscle relaxer at bedtime.

I had to be improving for now I felt good enough to worry about my weight. Prior to this I hurt too badly to care. I had gone from a toned 122lbs. to an unhealthy 164lbs. Most of the gain due to steroids and my new sedentary lifestyle. Before the fall I was riding an average of 10 to 15 hours a week and doing yoga 4 to 5 mornings a week as well. I had trained my body to contort in ways I couldn't have accomplished at twenty five. In the best of all worlds I hoped to resume yoga; I had excepted the fact that probably wasn't going to happen.

I had to find some way to get the weight off. I had been thin all of my life, too thin at times but always felt good. Doc was starting to encourage me to diet. Apparently huge breasts were bad for the neck as well.

After my sixth round of steroids and an additional ten pounds, my brother decided to come see me. I was feeling well enough to meet him at the airport. I was so excited. O how I love my brother and his visit gave me something to look forward to. I didn't even care what condition the house was in. I wanted to see my brother! Just to sit with me a while would be gift enough.

I continued to complain of my weight, however, I think he believed to be listening to his overly dramatic sister. " No really, I'm gonna have to meet ya at the airport carrying a sign which reads ' Your fat sister!' You won't know me!" "Oh Terri, I would know you any where."

The day of his arrival had finally come. I entered the DFW terminal and spied him far across the way. Would've run had I been able. Instead, I walked as fast as I could to reach him. As I approached, he was bent over fooling with his luggage. He raised up and looked me square in the eye. No recognition at all. I stood for another second, then questioned, "Are you not gonna speak?" The voice gave me away. "Terri? Is that you? My goodness you're fat!" He instantly tried to explain what he meant; the truth was out. I was fat and he didn't know me. I laughed as he tried to back pedal assuring him it was just fine. I still love my brother.

All of the above to assure you, yes I was fat. If I had to choose between being overweight or in pain, fat would win out every time.

Because of my brother's visit I had rescheduled my check up with Doc. That day soon arrived and the check up went well. He lifted some of the physical restrictions, like lite housework. No yoga, well maybe lower body workouts. No riding, yet. YET! Yet meant soon! Yet meant it was in the cards! Yet meant it was a possibility. I could live with yet!!! I wanted to kiss him! I think I did bound from the table and hug him. With YET I could get my life back.

My last visit with Doc B was in September of 09. I had been released from his care, only to return if needed. He had finally given his permission and blessing! to begin riding again.

It had been sixteen long months since the fall. I had so much to catch up on! The house was still filthy but that was the last thing on my mind. With so very many options open to me now, I had no idea what to do first. Ride!!! That's what I wanted to do more than anything.

The next day I planned my maiden ride. I had continued the ground work with Maggie as soon as I was able. Feeling confident she would be fine, I insisted my son stay indoors. Silly, I know, but I wanted this to be a Maggie and me time. Got her shinning like a new penny, reached for her pad, landing it lightly on her back. Pulled my saddle up close, went to lift it and my arm gave way; just like the night I fell. I attempted to saddle many times, til my arm started hurting. Good night nurse!!!! The old Terri would've stood out there and slung that saddle til her arm fell off. Far too proud to ask for help. She would have cowgirled up and got 'er done.

No more. I had learned to let go of pride and ask for help.

Luke was inside with a friend. I tied Maggie, went inside and asked for help. He was only too happy to lend a hand. He had her saddle on her within seconds; leaving me feeling as if I had failed somehow. I pushed that thought from my mind, gathered reins, foot in stirrup then stopped. I had to take a moment to give thanks. I attempted to mount; no luck. I tried again, still no luck. I made it only half way up each time and that was it. My legs were weak. My left arm too weak to pull the extra 40 plus pounds I was packing. I retied Maggie and made my way to the house. "Luke, your mother is too fat to mount her own horse. Come give me a leg up."

I heard a deep sigh,however he met me with a smile. "Come on, I wanta get mounted before dark."

Back to the pasture we went, me chattering the whole way. I could no longer hold my excitement. We approached Maggie on her near side. She seemed totally confused at this point, with good reason.

After several failed attempts with the old leg up method, I began to wear out. I couldn't believe how weak I had gotten. Turning to face my son, I informed him I might have one more good hop in me,then I would be toast. " When I hop up, you get underneath my hindquarters and give me one good push!" The kid looked horror struck. "Mom, this is too awkward." His cheeks the color of county fair cotton candy. "Luke, it is just a butt. Everyone has one. We both should be on our knees thanking God you're just pushin' and not wiping. It could have been so much worse, hon." I have been called disarmingly honest by many. While I never intended to embarrass my son, I suppose I had done just that.

Up I hopped, my strength waning. about the time I was certain I was gonna slide back down, Luke grabbed me, shoved, my seat found leather. "Thanks, Luke." " Well Mom, if you ask me you are crazy. I would never get back on a horse again." Another teaching opportunity. Still out of breath from the exertion, (oh,Lord), I panted; Luke you can never allow fear to cheat you outta something you love, which brings you great joy. I'm nervous right now, but I pray I always find the courage to deafen that fear and move past it." I could see my son soaking in these words; I hoped he realized how profound his mother to be. "Naw Mom, you are just crazy, he responded, smiling. With that he turned and left the pasture.

We headed across the pasture in the fast walk. After a few turns and backing, I had to admit to myself all muscle memory was gone. Had I ever been on a horse before? I shifted my weight in the saddle. No better. I looked down at my hips and laughed out loud. I was packed tight in my old saddle. I no longer sat a 15 in. seat, that became obvious.

Not once during my ride around the pasture did things feel natural. I told myself my balance would return, the weight would come off, the saddle would become my second home again. All of this would take time. Time and practice.

I unsaddled and put Maggie away. I struggled with putting tack up; refusing to ask for help with that simple task. I lingered around Maggie a bit longer, knowing it was time to ice my neck.

I think I expected a marching band, cheers form all surrounding neighbors, including streamers perhaps some confetti floating down encircling us. None of those things happened.

I rode off balanced. I rode giving clumsy cues. I rode with my mind in the way, without instinct. I rode with my body braced and stiff. I rode exactly like a beginner.

The most empowering of all...........I rode.